Brutally honest...

I'm going to be brutally honest for a little bit...

...to be honest...it scares me to be brutally honest with you.

Why?

Because even though I may leave names out of a post, some of you will still know people and situations that I'm talking about.

I don't have anything mean to say, I just look at my blog as a way to get my feelings off my chest. You don't have to agree with them, you may have another opinion because you know the other side of the story. Perhaps pieces that I've never been privvy too!

...and that's okay!

So here it goes:













I have things that happened in my past that haunt me...

That sounds weird!

I don't mean haunt, like if they came up in conversation at a job interview, that I would get turned down for the horrific nature of them...

I mean "haunt" as in it's hard for me to get past them. On a daily basis I'm fine, and then something will hit me, and there "it" is. The haunting returns.

I'm talking about past friendships that for some reason or another don't seem to have worked out.

I say "don't seem" in the present tense, because...I'm not beyond working on the friendship, if that was what the other party wished. But to be perfectly honest about it, I don't think the other party wishes.

Have I asked them this outright?

No!

Do I plan on asking them this outright?

Not currently!

Why?

Because certain things have happened that have led me to believe that my friendship isn't something they wish to have in their life.

Here comes the brutally honest part....













I question, within myself, whether the friendship is something that's healthy for me anyway.



I grieve for this specific friendship, on the days that it pops up and haunts my thoughts...I think, because it is such a huge part of my teenage years, my entire high school life...the Holly that I was from 14 years old to 18 years old.

....and yes, that's only a 4 year period, but think back to that time in your life.

It was a HUGE time in all our lives.

We were learning who we were, on our way to becoming adults...shaping friendships and relationships, that would affect how we interacted with people in the future...to some degree, the path we may take as adults.

You can't see past high school (when you're there), and the friends you have at that point, you can't imagine not being friends with them for your entire life. You're going to go to college, get married, have kids at the same time, and your kids are going to be best friends and follow the same path as you...right?

It doesn't always happen that way.

I know...



...and here comes more of the brutal honesty...I'm sad that it didn't happen that way for me.

There was a falling out...and then there was a mend...

...but then somewhere in these last few years, the mending stopped...

...and I see pictures, and I hear stories...and it makes me sad.


Because I'm not part of it all...

Because I'm jealous that others are included, and I am not...

Becaue I worry about what other people think about me...

I'm still friends with some of the people, and I truly mean it when I want to get together with them, and I am truly sad when I can't make it to whatever event is going on.

...But, to be brutally honest...I get nervous when I know this person will be there.

I don't know what's been said, what others know about the situation, and what their thoughts are on it.

I'm afraid I'll show up, and end up being the loner in the corner that noone talks to...but everyone on the other side of the room talks about.





A few years ago, when Chris and I were at Church at the Crossing, Pastor Rinnick spoke about the fact that sometimes we have to let people out of our lives, because they are a negative influence on us, and a negative influence in our spiritual lives. (I know, I know, our spiritual lives are intertwined into every aspect of our life...hence why we should purge negativity towards our life)!

So a few weeks ago I thinned out my facebook friends...

This person was cut from the team...

Why, you ask, when I'm still willing to work at it if they are?

Because, as aformentioned, I'm not sure if it's a healthy friendship for me.

I recognized that I was way too concerned with seeing what they're up too, and how much fun they're having without me...

...and I realized,

they're not working at this friendship...and they don't seem to want me as part of their life...

and I don't want to be the type of person that continues to work for a relationship if the other person isn't wanting or willing.

It's not healthy for me.

and to be brutally honest...it would be kind of stalkerish to do so.



SO...why am I being so brutally honest?

Because it's haunting me right now...this, friendship that once was, that I periodically grieve for.

...and I need some things.

~I need to remind myself that I need healthy things surrounding my life.

~I need to remember that God has a purpose for this friendship, and maybe it was to teach me that he puts people in our lives for a reason, and some things turn out wonderful and some things end sadly...but we learn and grow from each friendship.

~I need to be reminded that the friends I have are blessings in my life.

~ and, I need to remember that the only person whose opinion of me I need to worry about, is God's

...because in the end



...His is the only one that truly matters.

Just Me and My Sister

For those of you who don't know...my sister, brother-in-law, 2 of my nephews (between Chris and I, we have 10 neices and nephews and one on the way) moved to Indiana mid January.

Heather and I are a little over 2 years apart. Growing up we didn't always get along (as many of you probably understand, if you do have a sibling).

When she went off to college...things changed. Apparently I wasn't the annoying younger sister anymore...

Okay, I wasn't the "as annoying" younger sister anymore...

Okay, I'm hoping I wasn't as annoying, but only she knows for sure. Let's just go with it.

Anyways, we started to hang out a little more, and a couple years after I went to college she moved to Ohio and got married, started having kids (they're precious by the way)...and life moved on.

When they moved to Louisville, Shawn was gone on business the first week in their new house, so I went down and spent a few days with Heather and the boys, helping her unpack. I loved this. It was the first time we'd really spend a good amount of time together, just the two of us (plus Killian and Keegan of course) in I don't know how long.

Just thinking of those days warms my heart.

I can't imagine, going through this life, without my sister.

And now, she's 7 doors down from me (this is not an exaggeration, I counted before they moved in).

I'll be honest...when I found out they were moving so close, I was a little nervous.

Will we drive each other crazy?

Will we hang out all the time?

Will we ever hang out? I mean so many of her friends from home are still in this area, will she ever want to spend time with me?

Will this make our relationship stronger? Will we become closer?

Will this be the last straw and finally make Mom and Dad admit that she's the favorite?

Then they were here...



...and every one of my fears, has been dissolved.



We've talked more, since she moved back, than we did when she lived a state away...and it's not that there's more to say...we just do!

We've talked about things that we have in common, that I wonder if we ever knew we had in common before.

We've shared hopes for our families, that we've never had a chance (or taken the time) to share before.

She probably doesn't know this, but a huge part of why I am the Christ following woman that I am today, is because of her example.

I treasure my sister...and the moments we get to share together, the memories that tie us together, and the memories we have yet to make.

I hope she knows that I'm always here if she needs me.

...and that no matter what, I love her more than she'll ever possibly know.

A no good, very bad, horrible week!

I had a few horrible days at work this past week...

Why is it, that everthing seems to go crazy all at the same time, and for no fault of your own (I don't mean to place blame) but it just ends up that you're week goes straight down the toilet.

I'm a nurse, I work in an outpatient clinic, and I love my patients, I love my co-workers (well...most of them), but there are times that I hate my job.

I know I'm lucky to have a job (frankly, being a nurse kinda means I'm guaranteed job security) but even people who absolutely LOVE their job, have days that don't go quite as smoothly as others. Days when they want to rip their hair out, and run screaming from the building.

That was me...Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday this past week. I get annoyed that some people can't separate their frustrations in their personal life, and let the line blur into their work life. I know, I know...realistically every part of our lives interlocks into each other, and the ability to push one thing aside, and essentially "turn it off" just doesn't and isn't going to happen. But there are times that even though something is bothering you in one area of your life, you shouldn't let it affect another area to the degree that if affects EVERYONE else you come in contact with.

I'm a nurse (I realize I already mentioned this), my job is to help people, heal them...but let's face it...I'm not God, I don't have all powers to heal someone of Leprosy, or any other horrible disease. Believe that if I did have those powers, Chris wouldn't have Diabetes, I wouldn't spend 4 hours of my day doing breathing treatments (neither would Nicole, or Fritz).

I guess I'm telling you this because, I'm not perfect...far from it actually. But I just want you to know that I try my best...I do what I can. But when I work with you, and someone you love, is hurting or sick, and you can't fix them...it's unrealistic to assume that everyone else you work with is inturn going to be able to "cure" everyone our clinic comes in contact with.

*Steps off soap box

So after, my horrible first 3 days, things started looking up.

I got to spend time with 2 of my favorite women (Barbie and Jenn), scrapping on Friday night....and Saturday, Chris and I went and played Laser tag.

We walked in and it was like a flash back...I had to look down at my clothes and make sure I wasn't wearing pegged jeans with 2 colors of gitano socks, and made sure that my hair wasn't crimped. We were the only people in the place, aside from the parents that brought their kids, that were over the age of 20...I asked Chris if we were magically under 21 again, and unable to enter an establishment that sells tastey beverages...because this was obviously the place for this age range to hang out on a Saturday night.

If you saw my facebook status last night, you'll recall that I was not at all happy after the first game. Let me refresh your memory: here's what it said "playin laser tag...I'm about to punch some lil 15y.o. in the throat if he doesn't stop following me!"

This kid was cocky as all get out, and annoyed the heck outta me. In laser tag, when you get shot, your vest goes black for about 5 seconds and you can't shoot anybody. This kid would hit me, and then follow me, so as soon as I was able to shoot again, he'd hit me again. This was round one.

Then came Round Two!!!!

Brandon (one of our friends) went with us, and he and I found a place to team up and take out as many people as we could...cocky boy, with his striped hoodie, only passed my gun line once (yes, he got hit, and was rendered unable to shoot for 5 seconds thereafter - he didn't even see it coming)...however his equally annoying girlfriend, with her striped sweater, mini skirt, and brown ugg boots (that didn't match her black and grey attire) crossed my path about 50,000 times...down she went...

Every time her vest came back active, down she went again (maybe she should have moved from the center of the playing field rather than just stand still for 15 minutes). I'm pretty certain that by this time, Cocky boy was fearing for his life, and was quite possibly afraid that he would never make it to see the day when he could drive his own car without having to have a person over the age of 18 ride with him.

All in all, we played 3 games and I had the highest percent of accuracy of our team for games 2 and 3...

I think Brandon put it best: "MVP of the night goes to...Holly E. who maintained the highest accuracy for the winning team 2 of the 3 games. We lost alot of good men out there...but holly made sure they lost more. "

Perfect ending to a no good, very bad, horrible week.

My Posts

I may not write on my blog that often...

I used to read a blog that all it talked about was that persons day..."I went to the grocery..then we walked the dog and mowed the yard. Later we ate dinner, and it was just okay."

I truly don't think you'd be too excited to hear about my daily routine. Especially since, for the most part, it doesn't change all that much.

I'm just wanting to let you know that, I don't have alot of wisdom to share on a daily basis...

Every once in a while I have some witty thing to say.

So, just to let you know...

I probaby won't update every day...

Not all of my posts will be about CF...

I'm gonna talk about my Husband (because he's awesome), my family (including the ducks), my life, my love for baskets and scrapbooking, and anything else that strikes me.

Nooma - Breathe

Have you ever seen the Nooma video titled Breathe? I really enjoy Rob Bell, and all of the Nooma videos I've seen, but this one...Breathe...it speaks more to me than all the others. It tells me something new every time I see it.

Maybe it's because I was born with Cystic Fibrosis, a genetic disease that primarily affects the respiratory and digestive systems, and breathing has been something I've thought about every day of my life.

This past Sunday, Chris and I visited Catalyst (a curch plant from our church, Crosspoint). Our Life Together leader is soon to be (well sort of already is) the associate Pastor at Catalyst, and he was teaching. They showed the Breathe video. It's been a while since I'd seen it last....and I LOVE IT. God breathed into Adams lungs, the breath of life. We are the only of His creations that he literally breathed the breath of life into their lungs. I know I've heard it before...but this Sunday it made me sit back in my chair and think...He breathed the breath of life into MY lungs.

That is powerful.

I have crappy lungs...

But they're filled with the Breath of Life...

for that...I am thankful!

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~If you weren't aware, people with CF sweat 99% more salt than everyone else (thus cames the name of my blog)...

Welcome to this Salty Girls Ramblings!