I'm going to be brutally honest for a little bit...
...to be honest...it scares me to be brutally honest with you.
Because even though I may leave names out of a post, some of you will still know people and situations that I'm talking about.
I don't have anything mean to say, I just look at my blog as a way to get my feelings off my chest. You don't have to agree with them, you may have another opinion because you know the other side of the story. Perhaps pieces that I've never been privvy too!
...and that's okay!
So here it goes:
I have things that happened in my past that haunt me...
That sounds weird!
I don't mean haunt, like if they came up in conversation at a job interview, that I would get turned down for the horrific nature of them...
I mean "haunt" as in it's hard for me to get past them. On a daily basis I'm fine, and then something will hit me, and there "it" is. The haunting returns.
I'm talking about past friendships that for some reason or another don't seem to have worked out.
I say "don't seem" in the present tense, because...I'm not beyond working on the friendship, if that was what the other party wished. But to be perfectly honest about it, I don't think the other party wishes.
Have I asked them this outright?
Do I plan on asking them this outright?
Because certain things have happened that have led me to believe that my friendship isn't something they wish to have in their life.
Here comes the brutally honest part....
I question, within myself, whether the friendship is something that's healthy for me anyway.
I grieve for this specific friendship, on the days that it pops up and haunts my thoughts...I think, because it is such a huge part of my teenage years, my entire high school life...the Holly that I was from 14 years old to 18 years old.
....and yes, that's only a 4 year period, but think back to that time in your life.
It was a HUGE time in all our lives.
We were learning who we were, on our way to becoming adults...shaping friendships and relationships, that would affect how we interacted with people in the future...to some degree, the path we may take as adults.
You can't see past high school (when you're there), and the friends you have at that point, you can't imagine not being friends with them for your entire life. You're going to go to college, get married, have kids at the same time, and your kids are going to be best friends and follow the same path as you...right?
It doesn't always happen that way.
...and here comes more of the brutal honesty...I'm sad that it didn't happen that way for me.
There was a falling out...and then there was a mend...
...but then somewhere in these last few years, the mending stopped...
...and I see pictures, and I hear stories...and it makes me sad.
Because I'm not part of it all...
Because I'm jealous that others are included, and I am not...
Becaue I worry about what other people think about me...
I'm still friends with some of the people, and I truly mean it when I want to get together with them, and I am truly sad when I can't make it to whatever event is going on.
...But, to be brutally honest...I get nervous when I know this person will be there.
I don't know what's been said, what others know about the situation, and what their thoughts are on it.
I'm afraid I'll show up, and end up being the loner in the corner that noone talks to...but everyone on the other side of the room talks about.
A few years ago, when Chris and I were at Church at the Crossing, Pastor Rinnick spoke about the fact that sometimes we have to let people out of our lives, because they are a negative influence on us, and a negative influence in our spiritual lives. (I know, I know, our spiritual lives are intertwined into every aspect of our life...hence why we should purge negativity towards our life)!
So a few weeks ago I thinned out my facebook friends...
This person was cut from the team...
Why, you ask, when I'm still willing to work at it if they are?
Because, as aformentioned, I'm not sure if it's a healthy friendship for me.
I recognized that I was way too concerned with seeing what they're up too, and how much fun they're having without me...
...and I realized,
they're not working at this friendship...and they don't seem to want me as part of their life...
and I don't want to be the type of person that continues to work for a relationship if the other person isn't wanting or willing.
It's not healthy for me.
and to be brutally honest...it would be kind of stalkerish to do so.
SO...why am I being so brutally honest?
Because it's haunting me right now...this, friendship that once was, that I periodically grieve for.
...and I need some things.
~I need to remind myself that I need healthy things surrounding my life.
~I need to remember that God has a purpose for this friendship, and maybe it was to teach me that he puts people in our lives for a reason, and some things turn out wonderful and some things end sadly...but we learn and grow from each friendship.
~I need to be reminded that the friends I have are blessings in my life.
~ and, I need to remember that the only person whose opinion of me I need to worry about, is God's
...because in the end
...His is the only one that truly matters.