It's interesting...the things your mind perseverates on.
Have you every been laying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep, but for some reason your mind won't stop. You think about an upcoming meeting or situation and how the conversation will go.
"If he says this, how do I respond?"
"If she brings this up, will she be mad if I tell her EXACTLY how I feel about it?"
I can't turn my brain off.
And then, it's almost worse after the encounter.
"I can't believe that I didn't speak up."
"I did it again, I didn't say how I felt."
"That irritates me so much when they do that."
"Why does it seem that I'm the only one who can't say what I want?"
"Why didn't I think to respond with that right then, instead of now."
"When everyone else is hurting me, why don't I stop it?"
I blew up a month ago...at some people that I dearly, dearly love.
I don't regret the things that I said, because I needed to say them.
I needed to get them out.
I didn't lie.
I wasn't mean.
I said how I felt.
But I haven't been able to since...
and I think part of it is because I feel like putting myself out there did nothing.
Was it really worth it to say all of those things?
When I'm in such distress and pouring my heart out, with blank eyes looking back at me.
Then to hear the same things over and over again...the things that have been said so many times before I even spoke out.
It's hard...and it makes it difficult to put myself out there again.
I don't want change for my sake.
I didn't do it for me...I didn't do it because I wanted what I had to say to make my life better. That's not why!
I couldn't take it anymore.
And I thought what I had to say may have opened some eyes...because they're words that no one has spoken. Maybe hearing something new would make a difference.
Keeping it inside was eating at me...and honestly, now that it's out, I still think about it.
But in a different way.
I think about the words I said, and how they may have hurt the people I said them too.
And while I know everything I said was truthful, and the way I feel...I still don't want them to hurt those people I love.
They're hurting enough as it is.
Did they even hear them?
No, that's not what I mean. I really meant to ask, "Did they even listen to what I said?"
Hearing and listening are two very different things.
Did the words sink down inside their brains?
Did they take them to heart?
Do they think about them...even now, more than a month after Hurricane Holly hit?
Or did what I have to say breeze in one ear and out the other...never to be given a second glance?
Some days I feel that way. Like the things I say and do have absolutely no weight to them at all.
I want them to have listened to what I said.
I want them to think about the words.
I want them to understand that I didn't say them to hurt them...but that it's how I felt and feel.
I hope that they know I love them.
I hope they know that watching their hurt hurts me more than anything else.
I hope that somewhere deep inside they'll understand that the things I said aren't just how I feel, but most likely, how others are feeling too.
And that the hurt they're feeling...others are feeling it too. Maybe not as immediate as they are. Maybe not on the same level. Maybe it's not as personal to me and to others as it is to them...but the pain is still being felt.
I grieve for what once was.
I want change for their sake.
I want change for others that I love.
I want relationships rebuilt and hurts to break away.
I need to pray more...not just about this, but about so many other things.
I need to thank God more, for all the blessings he's given me...even in the rough patches.
I need to tell others how much I love them.
...and that I will, no matter what!